When I Die Fill My Coffin with French Fries and Beers

Funny story: I had a heart attack in 2016. And that was the funny part. One of my coronary arteries was clogged with 63 years worth of cholesterol. So they wheel me into the operating room to put a stent in the artery. I’m still awake. Why am I still awake? “We’ll just give you a sedative to reduce your heart rate.”

They start the catheterization. “You’re going to feel a little pinch in your left thigh.” I’m still awake. “Don’t move.” Don’t worry, I’m paralyzed with fear. Overhead to my left are monitors. I can see the catheter snaking its way toward my heart like Pac-Man. I don’t want to watch Pac-Man chomping through my circulatory system. I’m still awake. I close my eyes and count backwards from 100. I forgot about the sedative, so when I get to 150, I give up. The surgeons are chatting about something that has nothing to do with anything happening in the OR. I hope they’re watching the monitors. I don’t want the catheter to come out of my nose. “Oh, damn. I should have turned left at the aorta.” “I told you to ask for directions.” I remember the OR scenes in M*A*S*H: “Scalpel!” “Sponge!” “Retractor!” “Shut up, Frank!”

Finally, it’s over. I’m still awake. “You can’t move the left leg for six hours.” They wheel me back to my room. The cardiologist comes in. This is the worst part. “No red meat, no processed foods, no alcohol, no added sugar, no dairy fat, no….” He goes on for six hours about all the things I can’t eat. Just in time for me to get out of bed, hobble to the bathroom, close the door, and cry for all the McDonald’s french fries I will never eat. (They really are the best.)

So I wrote this song.

I play the guitar somewhere between badly and not at all. I know ten and a half chords. That I am publishing this song gives you an idea of the level of my self-respect. Click on the link above to hear me try to sing the song. You have been warned.

When I Die Fill My Coffin with French Fries and Beers

I don’t know when it started, or how it all began.
It really seemed to happen overnight.
One day I’m strong and healthy, eating everything I can,
Then my heart attacked and made me see the light.

So lesson learned, I’m doing good, despite the aches and pains,
I’m eating meatless meat and rice-less rice.
I’m growing extra molars so I can grind whole grains,
And I’m buying food-less food that’s overpriced.

CHORUS
But when I die fill my coffin with french fries and beers.
No tofu, no kale, no asparagus spears.
Embalm me with Cheez-Whiz, stuff cake in my ears.
When I die fill my coffin with french fries and beers.

My veins are clogged, my stents have stents, my heart looks like a prune,
My liver is surrounded by green ooze.
My brain is pocked with craters like the surface of the Moon.
I’m just lucky those are organs I don’t use.

CHORUS

No more hot dogs boiled in mayo, no more donuts stuffed with paste,
No more milkshakes, no more burgers dripping blood.
I’ve substituted celery for foods that have some taste,
And I’m grazing grass and chewing on my cud.

CHORUS